The advice your mother never gave you.

    Ask someone if they think the human race is generally good and most will answer "of course not". There are murders everyday, rapes, robberies, mass genocide, and countless acts of heartlessness committed so frequently that who wouldn't think us humans are down right horrid? They'll tell you life is hard, it's misery from the start, people are bad, be cautious, don't trust anyone. In the states we learn from the get go not to take candy from strangers, accept a ride, or even look in the direction of someone your unfamiliar with. Does this early conditioning set us up for a lifetime of being overly cautious? Developing trust issues or leading a life of subconscious solitude?
     I don't think this lack of trust in fellow humans is a global view. Here in Thailand people are generally kinder to one another. On numerous occasions while traveling I have thrown caution to the wind and put blind faith into a complete stranger. I've travelled from Bangkok to Chiang Mai by hitching a ride in the back of a pick up truck. I've made my way around national parks by waving down numerous motorbikes, and I've explored country side villages by accepting offers to go home with a local for dinner. I have learned about the Vietnamese/American war while riding around on the back of a moped with a man who possessed a passion for history. I experienced a traditional death anniversary ceremony by staying at the home of two young Cambodian sisters.
    Some of you might be shaking your head saying "what a stupid girl, gonna wind up kidnapped or worse". I'm not stupid, careless, or uneducated on the dangers that lie dormant until provoked. I understand some people have bad intentions, but I also understand that some people don't. I think that's what most westerners lack, the understanding that some simply don't. If you constantly live your life thinking "what do they want from me, why are they being nice there must be a hidden agenda". Then you will never know the gratitude that comes with being treated kindly, the humbleness that comes from letting another person help you, and the joy of one day being able to return the favor.
So take some candy from a stranger once in a while... Sometimes it tastes the sweetest.
 

Elephant Enlightenment

   The past week has been an experience that I will never forget. Elephants have always held a special place in my heart, and now they have just buried even further. Spending time with these animals; I was able to learn different personalities, characteristics, likes and dislikes of ten elephants. My favorite elephant was called Fah Sai which means clear skies. Fah Sai immediately grabbed my attention with her gentle nature and exquisitely large size. I became even further connected to her after learning that we are the same age.      
    She was the first elephant I took on a walk and the first elephant I ever swam with. In the river Fah Sai took care of me like I was a small child. She was calm and gentle, careful not to kick or step on me. She playfully sprayed me with water and patiently let me scrub her from head to tail.

     Working with elephants is like nothing I can compare to... Except working with horses. Like horses, elephants are an intelligent herd animal that have been domesticated by humans. Seeing first hand the interaction between human and elephant I couldn't help but to be reminded of my days spent bumming around a barn, training and riding. As the days progressed I began to see that just like horses, some elephants can be defiant, "misbehave" and cause a scene. As I began to notice these behaviors, I realized (more than ever), how necessary it is for a mahout to have good control over his elephant.

    One thing I did not expect to take away from this experience is such a strong relation to the mahouts. I understand why they have to use bull hooks, I understand why they have to get rough at times. The trainer in me sees that it is necessary to pinch their ears when they're acting up or give a smack with bamboo when they try to hit you with their trunk. Of course there are degrees, it's never ok to make an animal cry out in pain or bleed.
     As this new found understanding set in, I began to see clearly the solution to elephant "cruelty". It doesn't lie within outlawing a bull hook. It lies within us. The foreigners, the animals lovers who "just want to see one up close". The people who come to Thailand with"riding an elephant" at the top of their bucket list. Yes, I believe in animal rights, I believe that they should be treated kindly and with respect. No, I don't believe that wild animals should be kept in captivity... But the sad truth is that they are. They are in captivity and the only thing we can do is work towards giving them a life closest to what they would experience in the wild.
    Ecotourism: if you are dying to see an elephant up close. Pay to view an elephant in a sanctuary over paying to view an elephant in a show ring. Painting pictures, standing on one leg, balancing on a ball, and even carrying humans isn't natural. It's down right degrading for such an elegant, intelligent animal to be reduced to a ride and a show. The movement starts now; think before attending a circus or pay for an elephant ride people... There are other ways.

If not us, then who? If not now, then when?

Life By The Bell

     I peel my eyes open and hear the dong of the bell once again, and cant help but to think "I wonder if anyone will notice if I skip 4:00 am meditation today".. Despite this tempting idea to miss the morning routine, I sit up on my concrete slab and stretch out the kinks in my back. I slowly pull open my mosquito net, carefully placing one bare foot on the floor at a time; always conscious of poisonous creatures that might be lurking around. Another day has arrived, waiting to be filled with quiet contemplation, sitting meditation, dharma teachings, and Pali chanting. The sun awaits its turn in the sky, the air tangible with the anticipation of daylight. Sometimes, during these early mornings I can almost feel the change happening from darkness to light. The sun is like liquid filled to the brim of a cup, hanging in balance until the moment it inevitably spills into the sky. 
     Here there is no need to keep track of time. The bell tells us what to do and when to do it. The day starts with our first meditation session accompanied with a reading from the teachings of the Buddha. After this we move through yoga, breakfast, another sitting meditation, walking meditation, standing meditation, sitting meditation then break/lunch. Repeat for the second half of the day. The repetitive nature proves to be a challenge and my minds natural desire to stay busy makes each day harder and harder.
    
     The monastery held a calmness that is very difficult to find. Although the place was the definition of peaceful, this absolute stillness creates a mind that is quite the opposite. Thought patterns that are never apparent until your trying to break them arise consistently with no mercy. Emptying the mind is like trying to shovel in a blizzard. The thoughts cease to end when you want them to, and finding inner silence seems nearly impossible. For ten days I attempted this meditation, hour after hour, day after day. I was able to achieve concentration one time. One. Time.
   
      I entered the retreat thinking that this was going to be a calm and peaceful ten days, filled with long walks, a quiet mind, and a simplicity that I really do adore. I found that this was not the case. Yes, there were some moments when I truly felt at peace, I found pleasure in simple tasks like hand washing my clothes or brushing my teeth. But the truth of the matter is that meditation is not a relaxing affair. It is not soothing hours spent calmly reflecting your thoughts, nor is it a peaceful pondering of life. Not a woman sitting near a stream with a half smile on her face looking like Mother Mary herself.
     It is a battle. A constant war against yourself. A fight to the death between your ego and the unconditioned mind.
     Usually the ego wins. It has been controlling your mind for the majority of your life, so its stronger, better at dominating. However, if the other part of your mind can take over, even if only for a second, it is a major victory. Hopefully with time my ego will learn to take the backseat a bit more. With practice and education, one day I hope to achieve a state of mind with limited conditions. Or at least with a little less influence from my thought indulgent ego.

     On the last day, the silence was finally broken. We all finally were able to speak with individuals whom we had been sharing this difficult experience with in complete silence. It was refreshing to hear that I wasn't the only one who struggled literally the entire time. Four people actually ended up approaching me with kind things to say. One telling me; " I just HAVE to tell you how much I admired your posture throughout the whole retreat". The others telling me that I had smiled at them at the exact time they needed it, giving encouragement and inspiration at exactly the right time. A man ended up buying me breakfast for the same thing, and I couldn't help but to be surprised at the impact you can have on people without even knowing it.
     So smile at others, give an encouraging nod even for no reason. Everyone is fighting a battle. Even if they don't know it.

The Iphone Conundrum; an epic war of concious space and cyber space.

     We're all guilty of it. Looking down when we should be looking up, looking through a screen when we should be looking with our eyes. Most cant imagine going a day without a smart phone practically glued to their palm. For the past month I have been smart phone-less, wandering through Thailand amusing myself with things other than candy crush and farmville. No instagram, no twitter, no texts, calls, snapchats, or the ever present "selfie". Instead I have watched, listened, and absorbed every sight, smell, and scene. I wish I could say my month of being "disconnected" was due to some profound enlightenment or self challenge... but the truth is, I dropped my phone in the toilet.
    
     Devastation struck as I questioned how I would even function without my precious piece of equipment; "what will I do when I'm bored at work?" "How will I talk to people?" .. and most pathetically.. " I JUST made an instagram! I need more followers ughhh (insert sadface)"
The technological world slipped through my fingers and literally down the drain.

     All of a sudden, I felt like I was left out of some secret club where everyone knew exactly when to whip out these high tech gadgets and begin their journey into the wireless world. As everyone around me moved their thumbs at the speed of light; I realized that for the past few years, I have been one of these manic thumb moving, I-phone zombies.

      This realization encouraged me to actively began focusing on the world around me and exactly the things I would have missed if I had been absorbed in my phone. I realized that every moment spent with neck bent and eyes strained, is a moment forever lost in time. In todays society, every moment is a battle between the awareness of real life and the temptation of cyber life. Every moment spent inside cyber life instead of inside real life is a battle lost to technology. These two conflicting awareness occupants currently seem to be neck in neck in this ongoing war. With the seemingly growing fad of "collective consciousness"  and the equally growing fad of "followers, hashtags, and abbreviations" ; the war has just begun.

     Imagine if consciousness wins. Imagine if everyone collectively decided to calm the fu** down on the fast and embrace the slow. One morning as I gazed around my school's courtyard, I noticed my hands. Yes that's right my hands. No I wasn't on drugs. I noticed them because they were fidgeting, previously conditioned to be moving when my body is not. Texting, scrolling, or just surfing the web- that's what they are used to. I acknowledged them and for once in my life, consciously debated what I should do with them. I mean everyone else's hands were busy, so what should I do with mine? I felt awkward and momentarily twiddled my thumbs. But then I realized "my hands don't have to do anything" Its not a requirement for them to be busy. I actively decided to look inward instead of outward, to be rather than to be texting. Yes, it is important to keep your ties with other humans, to cherish friendships, and nurture the bonds with people. But isn't it just as important to honor yourself and nurture your moments of stillness?

          "He who knows others is wise, but he who knows himself is enlightened" -Lao Tzu-
    
     Next week I will be connected again, and although I am excited to see some familiar faces via facetime, I cant say that I am 100% happy about it. On one hand I am ecstatic to be more in touch with my loved ones (as I am on the other side of the world). But on the other hand, the freedom that being "disconnected" brought me was overwhelmingly beautiful. I have taken a vow that more moments will be given to my consciousness rather than to an artificial intelligence. I will not let my awareness be defeated by technology.
   
     So give a few battles over to consciousness, put down the I-phone. Look up. Notice the air around you, a breeze, or the way sunlight is hitting a spot on the ground. Observe the thoughts that float by without any influence from the internet or social media. Sink into a rhythmic pattern of breath. Be still and see how far you can stretch your awareness. Explore exactly  how you are feeling in this moment. Take a night to simply stare at the night sky (and no don't use the app for that). Realize that you are merely a speck in this infinite universe and that its going to keep moving... whether your aware of it or not. Put your ego in check, realize your occupancy here can only truly matter if it truly matters to you, and finally,... ask yourself:  
               "what side will prevail in this battle between conscious space and cyber space?".

The Act of Giving

    
     Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This year I will be spending the holidays alone for the first time. I will be trading family dinner for a classroom and a Christmas tree for a lesson plan. Although I will miss my friends and family back home, I am truly looking forward to celebrating in my own way. This year I am elated to rejoice by giving my love and time to the students at my school. These students have already begun teaching me so much about what it means to be a simple-kind-of-happy. The forever smiling faces and calls of "teeaachha Teeefahhnny" lift my spirits daily and remind me why I have taken on the daunting task of teaching Angrid (English).
     Each day I am astonished at how much these students love and respect their teachers as well as each other. I am told on a daily basis "I love you" and I never hesitate to say it back. Children respect my presence but are also thrilled when I arrive to teach.
I am constantly being given chocolate, stickers, erasers, and candy from my students, and they are overjoyed when I accept. For them, it is not about what they are giving or about how much.It is about the simple act of giving. They do not need a holiday to practice the act of giving nor do they give with any expectations. Today I witnessed a child take all of her stickers off of her own ID card to give to me. Yesterday a young boy gave away every single cookie in his lunch box to his friends without keeping a single one for himself. He wasn't sad about it or even disappointed. When I asked him "what about you" he only smiled and shrugged his little shoulders. 
     This is how life should be. Sharing for the sheer generosity of sharing. No barriers or selfishness, no underlying reason about what you can receive in return. Just giving to give.   
     Small acts of kindness like these warm my heart and push me to encourage and support these students as much as I possibly can. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for these kids and for how awakening they have been. This holiday season I aspire to enlighten and teach these children as much as they have already enlightened and taught me.  

Challenge Accepted

     I walk into the bus station with the same black backpack I have carried with me on every adventure; pink Mardi-Gras beads hanging from one side and a collection of bracelets on the other. I feel hesitant and somewhat leery about this trip but cannot place my finger on exactly why. Maybe its my lack of planning, or maybe its that I have to be back in Bangkok on Monday morning. Either way, a nagging feeling told me I was making a big mistake by boarding the overnight bus to Chiang Mai. I grow even more weary after being informed that first class has been sold out and that the only tickets left are third class (more seats, crowded, no bathroom). Superstitious me thinks: "It must be a sign right?" I'm not supposed to go, something bad is going to happen, the ticket I wanted is not even available... I feel something that is quite unusual for me: fear. I begin to worry that I wont make it back on time, that I wont know where to go, that I'm wasting my time...My subconscious screams at me in exasperation as my ego takes over and forces my hand clenched with money to the cashier. I hear myself say "one for third class to Chiang Mai" and I cant help but wonder: "What the hell am I thinking?"  Ok Ego. Challenge Accepted.
                              
    
    A ten hour bus ride and some new friends later, I know exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking about the meaning of Loi Krathong and Yi Peng. I was thinking about how this ceremony is not only beautiful, but symbolical as well. I was thinking about letting go of my sins and anything that has burdened me. I was thinking about how exhilarating it is to travel alone, make new friends, and to never know exactly what is going to happen next. I was thinking about the lights, sounds, smells and emotions that always seem to intensify when I have no one accompanying me but myself. My trip consisted of celebrations, festivities of all kinds, temple hopping, joining locals in making krathongs, and experiencing the most beautiful mass gathering I have ever been to in my life. Thousands of lanterns floated into the sky to create a sea of light unlike anything I have ever seen. Goosebumps covered my body as I raised my arms to let go of my lantern. With my lantern, my doubts, my sins, and my past years endeavors all disappear into the night. I yell out in pure joy and welcome whatever is to come.

     The trip wasn't perfect. There are always some unexpected twists and turns. For example; I never did make it to the hotel I booked. I also missed my bus home and was late for work on Monday morning. So I guess my "bad feeling" wasn't totally incorrect. Nothing went as planned, I slept on an inflatable raft, got lost, missed a bus, ate the cheapest food I possibly could, and didn't show up to teach until lunch time. But what the hell? I also made some awesome friends, crafted my own krathong, saw an amazing ceremony....slept on an inflatable raft, got lost, missed a bus, ate the cheapest food I possibly could... and guess what? I lived. Not only did I survive, but I enjoyed every moment of it.

     Yes, sometimes getting on that bus alone takes balls, courage and maybe in some circumstances-stupidity. Nothing goes as planned and sometimes your left with nothing but cheap street food and an inflatable raft for the night. But once your there; smile, breathe, and enjoy the ride. I sent my lantern in to the sky and with it every ounce of doubt floated away. I knew exactly why I came and exactly why I am here.

Learning To Fly

"Fatal attraction that's holding me fast, now I cant escape it's irresistible grasp..

.Cant keep my eyes from the circling sky, tongue-tied and twisted

Just an earth-bound misfit"

-David Gilmour-

 

     Throughout the short time I have spent in this realm we call earth, I have realized that I am continuously searching. Searching for a voyage that will satisfy the exhilaration that I crave, and optimally quench my thirst for knowledge and insight. On these voyages, many discoveries have been made pertaining to myself, human kind, and life in general. Succeeding these discoveries, though, there are constantly more questions. Consequently, my desire is unobtainable. Contemplating this never ending circle, I have often found myself wondering; "Why thirst for knowledge if there is endless knowledge to thirst for"? Why spend my days searching for an answer, when ultimately the answer leads to additional questions? Life is not a math problem, there is no single solution. So why must I long for this mysterious "answer to existence"?   

     This unquenchable thirst for ultimate insight has driven me to go beyond what I ever expected of myself. It has pushed me to my limits, forced me to find courage, led me to great heights, and driven me to accomplish numerous goals. I have realized though, that through my searching.. moments of peace and truth always seem to find me. Mostly when I do not expect them, and never when I am hunting them.

     So is the answer to my life long question to simply stop looking for the answer? Although my constant wondering (and wandering) has led me to great distances, could these heights have been achieved without stressing about what is next? What is right? What is true? The constant nagging question : what can I know that I didn't know before? 

     My fatal attraction is that I cannot keep my eyes from the sky. Through constant reminding, meditation, and yoga I have began to subdue the yearning beast within. I am gradually learning to become more accepting of things that have no answer. Things that cannot or are not meant to be solved. I am learning to just simply BE. My moments of peace will find me. I will love them, but I will also understand that while chasing particular moments, you are running from the others. For sometimes being still requires an immeasurable higher strength than to act. To attain this level of being, it is not my eyes that should be fixated in the sky. It is my mind. I am beginning to see with not only my corporeal sense, but with my spirit . I am learning to fly.

 

"There is no sensation to compare to this. Suspended animation = a state of bliss...

Cant keep my mind from the circling sky, tongue-tied and twisted

 Just an earth-bound misfit".

-David Gilmour-